Everyday mindfulness and letting go of sunk costs

Image courtesy of SXU - http://www.sxc.hu/photo/812896

So I've just been reading a post over at Litemind on sunk cost bias and I've realised that the example Luciano, the article's author, gives (buying a ticket to something and then not feeling like going on the day but going anyway because you've 'already sunk the cost') is something I do all the time.

Actually, no - it's something I do about half the time. The other half the time, I'll decide not to go because I don't feel like it... and then spend the entire time feeling guilty and annoyed with myself for being so damn wasteful (or if it's something I didn't pay for, but I was going to do it with friends, annoyed with myself for letting them down; or just for not following through on something I'd decided to do). Which really makes no more sense than going and being miserable would have done.

I *definitely* do fall victim to sunk cost bias around food (I've bought it, so I should eat it; or I've put it on my plate so I should eat it), around clutter (it's meant something to me in the past, so I should keep it), and often around books (either "I've bought it, so I'm damn well going to finish it even if I'm not enjoying it" - or "I've borrowed it and started it, so I'm going to feel guilty if I hand it back unread")

I love the author's comment about zero-based thinking in the article too. This is something I recognise from my Forum days as "coming from a point of nothing", but phrased in far less jargony, less Landmark-ese terminology. This technique is something I really, really need to practice on a regular basis - I can do it when I'm already calm and something reminds me it's a choice I have, but I find it much harder when I'm caught up in the grip of a drama. Which leads, of course, to the question of how exactly I can remember to actually use the technique next time I need it. That's always my challenge - not in knowing what to do, but in remembering to choose to do it in the heat of the moment.

I guess the only way to do that is... well... to do it. First being mindful and recognising when I'm in a 'sunk cost' situation. Then acknowledging that every moment starts over and letting go. Or, in other words, practise it when I remember, avoid beating myself and just letting it go when I don't. And of course, each time I practise, it'll get that little bit easier to remember to use it next time.

It's a thought anyway...

Thoughtful blessings


Starfire

Guides and Goblin Kings - Working with Fictional Characters

Image courtesy of SXU - http://www.sxc.hu/photo/223188



I originally wrote this post back in 2003 when I blogged with Divatribe, and a post about the Bene Gesserit "Litany against Fear" I found at Devin's Mental Emotional Health blog reminded me of it.

Five years on, I still use the technique I describe below, albeit not quite so often - and I've led discussion groups at SF/F conventions about it that have led me to conclude that I'm not the only one who uses fiction in all sorts of way in real life.

I'd be interested to hear what readers think of the idea - something that blurs the line between fantasy and reality just a little too much, or helpful technique? I know where I stand on the matter, but I'm always interested in hearing other views...

Blessings


Starfire

____________________________

GUIDES AND GOBLIN KINGS - WORKING WITH FICTION... (July 16 2003)


I have a confession to make.(And it's a bit of a doozy).

I talk to people who aren't there.

I don't mean that in the sense that I speak with the spirits of the dead, or with beings from another dimension. Not that that wouldn’t be cool, and not that I'm not jealous as all hell of people who *are* so enabled (and I know a couple of them personally), but apparently, that's not my lot in life. No, I mean it in the real, genuine sense that there are a whole host of people I talk to who literally don't exist. Now, this isn't going to surprise those of my friends who know me in person, and who've seen me talk to everything - chairs, computers, TV remotes, stuck window frames - you name it. If I have to interact with it physically, I've probably talked to it at some point.

But the non-existent people I talk to talk back to me. And that's where my confession gets starts getting worrying.

I think it all started back in one of my applied psych classes. Or maybe it was going through some kind of self-development course, or a journalling workshop. It all seems to blur after a while, and it doesn't really matter anyway. The thing is, that somewhere along the lines, I learned a technique that can be really useful in problem solving.

What you do is look at the problem, and work out what qualities you'd need to solve that problem. It might be physical strength, or compassion, or moral fortitude or whatever. Then, you work out who you know or have heard of - and this hypothetical person can be real or imagined - who's really, really strong in that particular quality. Then you do this little visualisation where you imagine a conversation between them and you - and you talk to them about the problem - ask them how they'd deal with it - what they'd focus on - what techniques they might try using. It can be a really powerful technique for getting your subconscious to hand over information that it's usually a lot more tight-lipped about.

Now because I seem to get a lot more inspired by fictional characters than by real ones (which probably says something very sad about either the state of my life, or the state of the world around me), I built up a whole group of fictional characters I respected for various of the qualities they possessed. If you're not a fan of fantasy and science fiction TV and novels, there's a good chance there's not much point in me going into exactly which characters I associated with what (not that I can remember all of them now anyway), but if you're interested in the particulars, feel free to drop me an e-mail and I'll try to remember the specifics for you. The important thing as far as this piece of writing is concerned, however, is that those characters were there like a standing army that helped me fight my problem-solving battles, and I could always have them there to consult with in the privacy of my own mind.

Now, flash forward a few years, to a point when I was training for my ordination and learning various meditation and visualisation techniques. And the concept of guides came up, as it so often does when you start exploring the esoteric. And I did the visualisation, and got to meet interesting beings in my meditations. The only thing was - most of these beings had forms I already knew. From the problem solving visualisations. Which put me into an interesting quandary. Now don't get me wrong - I have no problem believing in the objective existence of guides. At least, not in general terms. It's just that when they're wearing the faces of characters that someone else has written for profit… well, you can understand my feelings of scepticism.

I'm figuring there are two possible answers here. Either these beings that I'm 'meeting' in my meditations aren't anything outside of me at all - they're just parts of me - aspects of my personality, much like the subpersonalities I've talked about before. But the parts correspond enough to these make-believe characters, that my brain has created some kind of mental heuristic, noticed the similarities between my aspects (or what my aspects aspire to being) and the characters, and, then, with some kind of pavlovian conditioning, come to associate one with the other. Which kind of works as a theory… and doesn't threaten anyone's nice sane, ordered view of how the world works.

The other option, which is only going to be taken seriously by those who have a fairly new age and/or spiritual bent to start with (and no, they're not the same thing… but they're not mutually exclusive, either), is that I am actually dealing with external guides of some sort… but because they're non-physical, they can pretty much take on any form they please in the privacy of my mind. And since I already have these nice handy 'shells' all ready and waiting in my mind from when I used them to help me problem-solve (look, audience, here's one I prepared earlier!), the aforementioned guides have decided they might as well use the forms that already exist, to save me the bother of having to create ideas of what they look like from scratch. Hey, it could happen…

Or, behind door number three, let's not forget the possible option that I've gone completely mad and have now lost the ability to tell fact from fiction anymore. I have a sneaking suspicion that there are a number of people out there who - given that I'm an officially ordained Priestess of an ancient Greek Goddess, that I practice energy healing, and that I have a strong belief that focusing on something will manifest it - would feel that my inability to tell fantasy from reality is pretty much a given from the first. I'm not going to argue with them. I'll just smile - like the poster says - reality is for those with no imagination.

But personally, I tend to incline toward the first option - most of the time, at least. Hey, it let's me have the best of both worlds - a belief that I'm still sane AND an ability to chat to my heart's content with broody, soul-laden vampires, alien warriors, uber-humans who can pretend to be anything they want…. and now singing, dancing Sidhe-type Fair Folk royalty. Yep. Now we get to the meat of my confession. The reason this whole topic has come up at the moment… as of last weekend, I seem to have developed a new 'guide'.

A question for the fantasy buffs out there. Remember back toward the end of the 80's, Jim Henson (he of Muppets fame) got together with David Bowie and created that modern magical fantasy fairy-tale to end all fairy-tales - The Labyrinth? Sigh… I've always loved that movie. And I've always loved the character of Jareth - David Bowie's rendition of the Goblin King.

Well, the other day, I was online, doing something completely unrelated, and I somehow ended up on a Labyrinth fanfiction page (yep, this confession just gets more and more seedy). And I started reading. And suddenly, Jareth was there, in the back of my mind. And he didn't want to leave.

Initially, I just put it down to my overactive escapist tendencies - the 'gods I want to get away from it all, and I want to get away NOW!' thoughts that tend to hit me at my weaker moments. But as the days went by, I started noticing that the times they happened most were times when I could actually constructively *use* a lot of the characteristics that Jareth, the king of the goblins, has. The two things I've been focussing on most strongly over the past little while have been dreamwork and manifesting... and let's face it, the ability to manipulate reality and work with illusion are two of the areas the be-breeched, spiky-haired one is strongest in.

So after taking a few moments to indulge myself in a little good-natured 'Oh-gods-I-can't-believe-my-subconscious-is-working-this-way' laughing at myself, I think I'm now ready to start actually *working* with this new 'guide' in my life.

How can I do this?

Well, meditation is a good place to start - heading into the privacy of my 'sacred garden' where a large number of my guided meditations begin - and inviting Jareth to join me for a wee chat about what he can offer me in my current path, and any suggestions he might have to offer. Then there's dreamworking - trying to incubate a dream in which I meet up with him and have a similar kind of conversation. Finally, there's writing - if I'm not having any luck with either of the first two, maybe I can sit down and write a story (or at least a scene) about meeting up with him and what we'd say to each other if we did (avoiding the temptation to turn the whole thing into a Mary-Sue fanfic... and believe me, that temptation is *always* there). These are all things I've found helpful in working with other 'guides', so they're reasonable places to start working with this one. And if I discover other techniques along the way, so much the better.

And if nothing else, I get to indulge my current obsession *and* call it spiritual at the same time. You really can justify anything if you try hard enough ;-)

Hugs and blessings



Starfire

In praise of taking a mindful break

Image courtesy of SXU - http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1032904


I've just got back from a weekend away, visiting my Dad in the lovely township of Whitianga, on New Zealand's Coromandel peninsula.

Gryphon (my husband) and I went up there because it's been about seven months now since I've seen Dad - petrol prices having gone up in the crazy way they have (it's a three-hour drive out there), and Gryphon's and my combined timetables from work and study having been basically prohibitive, and... well, lots of other excuses if I look for them. The net result has been that there hasn't been any filial visiting. This was remedied this weekend, and it was a wonderful, wonderful break.

While Dad has a computer, I deliberately didn't go anywhere near it after the first evening I was up there. I basically read, chatted to family (my aunt and uncle live up there as well, so we got to see them as well, and my cousin and her little one), and perhaps more relevantly for my health and ongoing peace-of-mind-recovery, I had two much-needed early nights in a row. I think I coughed a little less while I stayed there too.

I didn't actively meditate while I was up there, but I did take advantage of the moments I was given for mindfulness. There was a moment where we went for a drive as a family, and stopped beside the beach. Being so close to midwinter, the wind was icy - which made for interesting potential for being mindful of my physical body - but at the same time, it was bracing and refreshing, and helped to blow away some of the cobwebs that had been building recently.

I found myself just standing there, looking out over the water for a bit, watching the gulls and other seabirds out on the harbour, diving for whatever delicacies they'd discovered swimming below them. And I let my breathing deepen and slow, and before I knew it, I was breathing to the rhythm of the tiny waves that were oh-so-gently breaking against the golden-white-sand-shore. It was a case of breathing in, breathing in, holding, holding as the waves built... and then as each small wave crashed (it's a very sheltered harbour, so the waves don't get particularly big), I let my breathing tip over into an exhale. Breathing to the rhythm of the ocean. Not doing or trying or controlling... just allowing.

I wasn't out there that long... a few breath cycles only (it was too damn cold, for a start!) But I didn't need to be - I think I was pretty much there exactly as long as I needed to be.

There were other moments like that over the course of the visit. I have a sneaking suspicion I need quite a few more days like that to get myself back into balance... and I'm hoping it won't be another seven months before I head up there again.

Meanwhile though - it was just a couple of days away. And wow... I'm seriously grateful for the difference it made.

Now, of course, it's time to get back to 'real life' - work begins again tomorrow. Perhaps my task for myself this week is to bring some of the mindfulness I felt while I was breathing in time with the ocean back into my worklife.

It can't hurt to try it and see what happens, after all :-)

Blessings



Starfire

Life goes in cycles - you'd think I would have twigged to this by now

Image courtesy of SXU: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1025373


Life goes in cycles: this is a basic part of my belief systems. So perhaps it shouldn't surprise me that rather than being able to say "The wracking cough I've had since January is getting better", I'm instead saying, "Today I had a good day."

There's the unspoken understanding about the statement that having a good day today means pretty much jack with respect to whether or not I'm likely to have a good day tomorrow. It doesn't mean I'm getting better. It just means that right now, right here, I'm having a good day. I can appreciate that, ignore it, or get frustrated that it doesn't mean I'm getting better and doesn't mean tomorrow will be good too. But the truth is that when it comes down to it, how I react doesn't change what it is. It only changes the quality of my experience of what it is.

And suddenly, I'm sounding remarkably buddhist. Huh.

There's another cycle I became aware of this week as well. A much longer lived one. See, in my late teens and early twenties, I spent a lot of time believing I wasn't really worth a lot. It was partly a reaction to some stuff that had happened earlier in my life, and partly my inner melodrama queen coming out to play. But the net result was that I didn't like myself and couldn't for the life of me understand why anyone else would either.

I spent a large part of my mid-to-late twenties *doing* something about that. I did a lot of inner work - both psychological, spiritual, and stuff that blended the two. And gradually, I learned to like who I was. I got fit, and my outer appearance started to match the image I was starting to carry of myself. Well, mostly, anyway. And I thought, "Hey, wow, I'm there, I like me, I've journeyed a long, long way down the path, and I'm never going back to what I was."

What I didn't realise was that the path is a circle (or at least a spiral...) In my early thirties I made a couple of truly godawful choices whose consequences I still haven't really stopped beating myself up for yet... and gradually I found it harder and harder to like or respect who I was being, and harder and harder to understand how anyone could possibly do so either. And yeah, the weight came back on with it (funny that, hmmm)? And it suddenly felt like I was right back where I started before all that inner work: like everything I'd ever achieved in terms of self-image, self-respect and self-worth had just disappeared - dissolving into thin air, or flushed down the drain, but either way, lost and gone beyond hope of recovery... And there I was, back in the same pit I'd fought so hard to get myself out of the first time around.

What I realised viscerally over the past couple of days was that maybe a part of that whole slide back down into what I used to be has come because I stopped doing all that inner work: after all, that's what helped me climb out of the pit the first time around... but the likely reality is that it's not just a one-time thing. You don't shower once and then expect it to keep you clean for the rest of your life. And yeah, it's no different on a psychological or spiritual level. I think I've touched on this realisation a number of times over the past couple of years. There's a f'locked post a wee while back where I talk about the the Native American myth of the old man who has two wolves - a dark wolf and a light one - fighting for dominion in his heart; and the one that will win being the one he chooses to feed.

I need to start consciously feeding the light wolf inside me and bringing myself back into a state of something resembling inner balance. I need to get back on with that inner work that helped me the first time around - I've done it once, so theoretically, it should be easier this time around. If nothing else, the BCoD has gradually, systematically stripped away all the facades and defensive layers that I'd put up to hide from myself. That's one good thing about it: lying to myself takes energy and resources, and if I'm too exhausted to hold my shields and my barriers intact, I'm too exhausted to keep pretending.

So what that's going to mean to my blogging presence I don't know. Possibly long intervals between posts. Possibly the opposite, with lots of navel-gazing. Possibly a load of surface-level stuff like I've been posting lately. Gods, I just don't know right now. I know I need to start with meditation and mindful reconnection.

As for anything else? It'll be as it'll be.

It's just what is.

Back again

Image Courtesy of SXU - http://www.sxc.hu/photo/897022

Wow - February since I last updated, huh? Scary!

All I can say of the past 6 months is that I've allowed them to *totally* get on top of me :-(

Between work and study, I basically let myself get overwhelmed, and my physical health, as well as my mental/emotional/spiritual health, have been showing it. I'm learning though - honestly I am. I've chosen to take a study break for a semester, and I'm currently glorying in the freedom that comes with *not* studying.

I'm hoping to get back to semi-regular posting, but at this stage, I just want to see how it goes.

Blessings




Starfire

7 not-so-random facts about... meditation & me

Image courtesy of Stock.xhng (http://www.sxc.hu/photo/912570)

So the lovely Anuradha over on "Wonders of Meditation" just tagged me with the "7 Random Facts about Me" meme, and I was in two minds whether to answer or not. Not because of anything to do with the meme itself, but more because I wanted this blog to have a specific meditation focus, rather than being about me specifically.

Then a little voice inside asked "But what if you could combine the two?" So, errr... yes. That's exactly what I'm going to try and do with this post. Behold the results: 7 random facts about me somehow all related to meditation ;-)

OK... so here goes:

1. First Exposure: My first exposure to the concept of meditation was when I was a young child, and I used to like sitting alone in the dark and just thinking. One day, my older cousin came in and found me like that, and immediately declaimed with the voice of greatest childish authority that I looked like I was meditating, and that it was weird. She couldn't quite explain what meditating was, but she knew it was weird.
   
   
2. The Martial Arts Connection: Later, as a teenager, I used to love reading martial arts stories (e.g. Lustbader's "Ninja" set). The first time I ever thought about learning to meditate was after reading a scene in which the martial artist protagonist meditated to prepare himself for a coming trial.
   
   
3. First Time Learning: The first time I *actually* learned to meditate was with the Sri Chinmoy Centre in Auckland in my mid-20s. They were offering free sessions, and I figured "why not?" (plus? It was a chance to spend time with the man who was going to, unknown to both of us, turn out to be my husband six years later) While not every technique the Centre uses worked for me, I'm still grateful to them for providing me with my initial start.
   
   
4. Biggest Source of Techniques: I probably learned the most (in terms of sheer quantity of techniques) about meditation from my early years exploring the Pagan paths, during which time I was a total information sponge; absorbing whatever I could without judgement, trying it, seeing if it worked, and keeping if it did, or simply archiving it in my files as "potentially useful for someone else" if it didn't.
   
   
5. Best Source of Techniques (and Self-Knowledge!):I probably learned the most (in terms of depth of technique, and about myself and what works for me) when I was training for ordination as a Priestess with the Fellowship of Isis. The training for this involved meditating daily, keeping a detailed meditation diary, and submitting it to and discussing it with my tutor on a regular basis.
   
   
6. Biggest Frustration: I'm actually split as to what to answer here - there are two possibilities that get equal billing. One is that many meditation techniques require the practitioner to visualise something, and my visualisation skills (even after the training I've done) are atrocious. I'm basically about 90% audio-based and 10% kinaesthetic - I even find it hard to remember new faces until I've met the person four or five times unless there's something unique about their appearance I can capture in language. Occasionally I can manage visualising one colour at a time for a chakra meditation, but anything more visually complex than that? Forget it! The other frustration is that self-discipline of maintaining routines is NOT something I'm strong in, so while I genuinely enjoy meditating, if I'm not accountable to someone or something, I'll often let my practice slide (which is, let's face it, pretty much exactly why I started this blog!)
   
   
7. Favourite Techniques: Honestly, despite all the complex guided journeying and breathing techniques I've learned over the years, my favourite is almost always simply reaching with my 'roots' for the ground, centring myself, and then just focusing on the in-and-out of my breath. Occasionally, if I'm feeling distractable, I'll count the breaths, rather than just focus on sensation. The other perennial favourite that I do a little less often is a very simple chakra meditation that involves focussing on the sensations around each chakra in turn for a given number of slow, deep breaths (usually five or ten). As I breathe in, I'll draw in energy up through my roots and down through my crown, and I'll feel the energy and the breath together filling up the chakra - first the root, then the sacral, and so on, up to my crown.
   

Now, theoretically at this point in time, I'm supposed to tag 7 other people, but while I don't mind answering memes myself, I hate putting other people on the spot. So instead I'll open it up to the floor for anyone reading who wants to answer. What are 7 random facts about you and the topic of your blog? Enquiring minds want to know... ;-)

Blessings



Starfire

What am I passionate about?

(Image courtesy of Stock Exchange: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/470762)














Over on his blog "Slow down fast", David Bohl talks about authenticity and telling people what you're passionate about.

While I think the post is great in and of itself, and that being authentic around our friends about the things we're passionate about *is* a critical part of having an authentic friendship, that's not actually what I want to post about.

Instead, it's the gut-level response I had to reading David's opening question paragraph:

"Let’s assume you had five minutes to give a speech. You would receive a very large sum of money if you gave a speech that the judges considered “passionate.” You choose the topic, you write the speech. You give a passionate speech, you get the money.What would you talk about?"

As I read it, my answer just jumped out, fully formed and far too intense within my mind's ear to ignore. For me? What fascinates me more than almost anything is the human mind and how it works. I'm interested in the workings of my own mind, and that of other people's. I'm wildly curious about how our different minds work together; how we think, how we communicate, what motivates us, and what gets in our way (or makes us get in the way of ourselves). And I'm enthralled by the potential for healing that understanding the mind can create.

I'm also fascinated by the way our minds perceive the different realms of experience: the physical, the spiritual, the emotional and the imaginary. What's more, I'm thoroughly fascinated by the very real possibility that these 'different' realms might not be nearly as different as common wisdom tells us they are (or at the very least, that the boundaries between each realm might be a little... fuzzier than common wisdom assumes they are). And because I'm fascinated, I'm passionate about constantly, as often as possible, as much as possible, learning more.

That fascination and passion is why I originally chose a psychology degree back when I was fresh out of highschool. It's why I'm studying for a degree in Communications now a decade later. It's why I learned to meditate, and part (if not all) of why I trained as a priestess. And yeah; it's why I keep this blog.

You see, whatever else they may be doing for me spiritually (and I wouldn't want to discount that aspect of practice), one of the biggest attractors about regular mindfulness and meditation for me is that they help me notice and understand how my mind works. They feed my passion to learn and to understand the workings of my own mind; and through that, of human minds in general. They support (or refute) the theory I learn in books and from discussions with other people. They are , in a very real sense, part of my learning process. And through their association with that learning, I've become passionate about meditation and mindfulness in and of themselves.

So when David asks me to imagine that I have to write a passionate speech about something, I don't need to wonder whether I'd be able to talk with real passion about a given topic, or even what I'd end up writing about. I just remember the posts I've made recently on this blog when I've discovered something new about meditation or mindfulness, or about myself and the way my mind works, or the similarities or differences I've noticed between my mind and someone else's. Oh yeah, this is what I'm passionate about.

Thank you, David, for reminding me of that :-)

Fascinated (and passionate) blessings



Starfire