Today's lesson: if you want to walk more mindfully...

Image courtesy of http://www.sxc.hu/photo/111747


... take off your shoes.

Seriously. It sounds like such a simple thing, but it makes a huge difference.



Barefoot Walking and Mindfulness

I discovered the link between barefoot walking and mindfulness experientially on my way to work today. The weather's getting warmer and drier down here in Aotearoa, and with Beltaine (or at least, its Southern Hemispherical calendar equivalent) a fortnight past now, Spring is visibly and inexorably starting to turn into Summer.

So I found myself wearing Summer clothes, which included sandals instead of the comfortable trainers I'd usually wear to walk in. Then, almost as soon as I got outside, I felt the immediate need to walk barefoot - something I haven't done in a long time now. And it's amazing how, the moment I took my shoes off, my walking automatically became more mindful.


It's More than Just Practicality

Part of that is just basic pragmatism, of course. With the ground not always being even - some patches of concrete or asphalt being rougher than others, and the occasional bit of gravel, or tree seeds or something uncomfortable underfoot - paying a modicum of attention to where I'm placing my feet is the only way to avoid seriously sore soles by the time I get to wherever I'm going.

But it's more than mere practicality. There's something about the flood of sensations that suddenly flow in through the skin on the bottom of my feet that automatically grabs at my awareness - focussing my mind on what's going on beneath them, instead of allowing it flitter between the thousand and one things in the past or the future that would normally distract it as I walked in my sneakers.


Mindfulness, Sensation and Gratitude

And as for reading while I'm walking barefoot (something I often do on my way to and from work)? Not a chance! I just don't have that much attention bandwidth... something that became very clear to me very quickly today. No, my mind was on wherever my next footfall would be - and then, as my foot made contact with the ground, on all the sensory information that was suddenly available about that specifc piece of ground. Right until my weight had transferred and it was time to work out where the next footfall would be.

I have to say, I don't think I've ever been quite so conscious of where exactly the patches of grass next to the sidewalk (we call them berms here in NZ, but I'm not sure if the term is used elsewhere in the world) started and ended. And ohhhhhhhhh, the relief when there'd been a long space between berms, when I finally got to take that first step onto the cool springiness of soft grass, instead of the harsh, hot roughness of the concrete pavement!

Of course, while I'm being mindful, I should really spare a moment, as I write this, to be grateful that not only do I live somewhere where I can walk to work; but that I live somewhere the sidewalks are safe enough and clean enough to walk on barefoot without risking injury or disease. Hey, I know full well that's something not everyone gets to enjoy.


And the Lesson, Summed up in a Sentence?

So yes. The moral of the story, apparently, is that if I want to walk more mindfully, all the training, and technique and practice in the world apparently can't hold a candle to the simple act of taking off my shoes.

Self awareness and judgementality

Image courtesy of http://www.sxc.hu/photo/92517


I had an interesting conversation with someone at work today that gave me an uncomfortable insight or two into the way my mind works (don't you just love those?)

The guy in question (I'm going to call him "Harry") is a lovely person. He's bright and he's bubbly and he's caring and he's compassionate. He's also an enthusiastic Born Again Christian, and will take any chance he can to witness about what God has done in his life.

In theory, this should not make me uncomfortable. Part of my core belief system, after all, is that there are many, many ways to the Divine, many names for God/dess, and no one person or faith has a monopoly on Spirit. That doesn't mean I believe that all faiths are valid - for a start, I tend to take exception to the ones that say mine isn't, or that it's evil. But my self-image is of a tolerant, open-minded person who respects the rights of other people to relate to the Divine in the way that works best for them. So unless someone's actively sowing hatred, intolerance or ill-feeling with their words or actions in the name of their faith, I like to think of myself as a live-and-let-live kind of gal.

Now let me be clear: Harry's never said anything that I could take as intolerant - explicitly or otherwise. Unlike some of my other co-workers, who appear quite ready to negatively judge other groups of people because of their differences, when Harry talks about God, he talks in the context of love and inspiration and rapture - hardly things that I, as a Pagan, can take exception to! In fact, hearing the way he describes his relationship with God and/or Jesus, I'm sometimes hard-pressed to point out the differences from the way my more mystical Pagan friends describe their relationships with their deities.

And really, this shouldn't surprise me. Like I said a couple of paragraphs back - it's a core belief of Starfirebelievesitisism: many paths, many names, no 'one right way'. This is part of my spiritual identity. It's fundamental, as far as I can tell, to who I am and how I see myself. At least that's what I'd like to believe.

So why is it (I ask myself, as a semi self-aware being), that when I hear Harry talk, I feel myself wanting to make him wrong, for the way he frames his beliefs? Why should I find myself wanting to argue with him when he describes this or that interaction he's had with God? Why should I find myself wanting to explain away the synchronicities he talks about as coincidence, or remind him that other people of other faiths have spiritual experiences with their deity of choice that are every bit as intense as the ones he talks about? Why should it matter to me what name Harry gives to the Divine with which he interacts?

Maybe it's because I'm projecting, imaginging that he's judging me and thinking that my beliefs are 'wrong'? Maybe I'm just subconsciously getting in first - judging him wrong before he can judge me (and wow, is it just me or does that REALLY start to sound like a childish 'he started it!!!' kind of argument - except this one is closer to 'he was GOING to start it!') After all, I've done my time as a Born Again Christian myself in the past - I remember the incredible in-group/out-group mentality that went with it... that kind of 'anyone who doesn't see God the way we do is wittingly or unwittingly doing Satan's work' attitude. Maybe I'm just trying to 'protect myself'

But if I examine that further, I have to acknowledge to myself that I was a teenager at the time; that most of the friends who drew me into the Born Again path were teenagers as well; and that while there are certainly teenagers out there capable of genuine unbiassed tolerance and respect for the differences of others, I really wasn't one of them. So any assumption that Harry is secretly judging me just because the teenage me would have been judging someone like me is... flawed at best, and grossly unfair at worst. And hell, it's not like I haven't known some incredibly judgemental my-way-is-the-only-true-way Pagans in my time too!

Plus, what does it matter if Harry (or anyone else for that matter) does judge my beliefs as being wrong? Are my beliefs in multiple paths being valid really so fragile that if someone disagrees with me, I have to stop believing them?

Or is it maybe... just maybe... being the imperfect human being that I am, that somehow, while I may believe that in the validity of multiple paths... that I also want (deep, deep down where I can pretend things aren't really as they are if I don't look too hard) to be right - which means that if someone disagrees with me, I want them to be wrong. And oh yes, that rings truer than I want it to, when I hold it up to the light. I can feel myself squirming at the idea... which probably means there's something to it.

It's an uncomfortable realisation to have, when multiplicity and diversity is supposed to be a cornerstone of my belief system. Very uncomfortable. And part of me wants to ask Harry to stop witnessing to me, because I want to stop feeling uncomfortable. I want to stop wondering if by telling me about his interactions with the Divine, he's really saying mine can't be valid. And I want to stop wondering (deep down) whether accepting Harry's interactions with an aspect of the Divine he calls "Jesus" as valid actually invalidates my interactions with an aspect I call "Spirit". But really, where would the lesson be if I let myself do that?

What if, instead, I let myself be with the discomfort? What if, each time I felt it, I used it as a chance to look at myself and the way I react -the way I pre-judge - the way I want to be right? What if I reminded myself that it's OK to be uncomfortable, and that all the things I'm looking at above are just me doing my thing? That it is what it is and I am what I am? What if I used it as an opportunity to rediscover that I can live with being uncomfortable, and that the world doesn't end because of it? Really. (Do I sound convinced yet? No? How about if I confess that this blog post is about *getting* myself to the point where I can live with being uncomfortable - at least on this issue?)

Now that would be lesson...

I wonder if I'm brave enough to try learning it?

Mindful Spring Thoughts

Down here in Aotearoa (New Zealand), it's Spring.

Days are longer and warmer; there's a lot more birdsong in the air than there was even a few weeks back; and there's a definite sense of renewal in the world outside.

The last couple of Springs have been a little difficult for me - there was something that happened a couple of years back that it's been taking me a wee bit longer than I'd expected to heal from. Each time I think I'm all done with the process, something will pop up and I'll realise that there's still more there to work through. And for some reason, Springtime has seemed to really bring home how far I still have to go for me... perhaps because it's supposed to be a season of rebirth and renewal and starting over, and what I'm dealing with is something that can't just be left behind me.

Heh. And of course there, right there in that sentence, is my problem. "Supposed". Like "should", but just different enough to slip through my guard. It's not "supposed" to be anything. It's Spring. It is what it is... no "supposed" about it.

Interesting how many of my lessons right now seem to centre on that one concept - things being what they are, rather than what my mind tries to make them - regardless of how different each lesson may appear on the surface.

And, in fact, just because there's something that isn't being renewed for me doesn't mean that I can't acknowledge and appreciate all the other renewal that is going on around me.

Something for me to think about as I'm out and walking and breathing in the Spring-ness that surrounds me.

Spring blessings


Starfire

Hmmmm... maybe I'm never going to be one of those *regular* bloggers

Image courtesy of Stock.xchange - http://www.sxc.hu/photo/544232


I've just checked and realised that over two months have gone by since I last wrote. Wow. Apparently, I'm really not one of those regular bloggers - and it's possible I may never be.

My initial reaction to this is to beat myself up about it. After all, blogging is a commitment, right? It's something you're supposed to do regularly, otherwise people don't read what you write?

So conventional wisdom goes, anyway. But what if you don't have anything to say? Or if you do, but there's so much happening, that your blog slips down the life priorities queue? Surely it's better not to blog, than to force it, and let the fact that your heart's not in it shine through your posts.

Those were the thoughts that were going through my mind as my life slowed down enough that I started catching myself up on some of the blogs I love reading, and started thinking about trying to get back to meditation and mindfulness blogging myself.

And I realised that, contrary to all the pressure I was putting on myself, where I was at the time was actually OK. This blog doesn't exist as a commitment to anyone else but me, which means I get to define how often I write, and about what. And if there's nothing to say, or life's just too busy, then so be it. Things go in cycles. There'll come a time again when life's not so busy, or when I do suddenly find things I want to say.

And when that happens, my blog will be here waiting for me to write in it (and if it never happens, then eventually, I'll take down the blog and find something else to put my energies into). But meanwhile, either way, life's way too short to spend it beating myself up for something that, on a cosmic scale, really doesn't matter a whole heck of a lot.

It's that simple, and it's only a huge gigantic drama if I make it one.

I guess that alone is a lesson I can easily find myself grateful for.

Technology and I seem to be experiencing some minor relationship issues... talk amongst yourselves

Image courtesy of Stock.xchange - http://www.sxc.hu/photo/815492



So Tech and I seem to be having some kind of falling out at the moment.

In the past week:

• my heart rate monitor has mysteriously stopped working - not gone blank as would indicate a battery having gone flat, but just spontaneously jammed - and I can't find a reset button on it anywhere
  
  
• my iPod and my computer spontaneously stopped talking to each other - right in the middle of a sync, Vista suddenly managed to lose the drivers and informed me it no longer recognised that weird, totally unfamiliar USB device I'd plugged into it (incidentally, this problem, at least, was easily fixed by reinstalling iTunes)
  
  
• My antivirus, has suddenly started recognising a whole host of the games files I sometimes play (and have been playing for at least a year) as some variant of Win32 Trojans - despite them all having been absolutely fine up till now.
  
  

• Plus all manner of weird and interesting stuff happening with the tech I use at work, although that happens to everyone, so is more likely to be issues with our various systems, rather than a personal vendetta on behalf of the tech gremlins against me and all my issue to the n^th generation.
  

Truth be told, I have a sneaking suspicion that along with all the other changes in my life, this may the Universe clocking me upside the head with a giant clue-by-four, behind which is the sacred and spiritual message, "Yo' honey, y'got too much crap y'don't need in your life. Stop thinking of this dren as necessary to your wellbeing, and start focussing on the stuff that actually matters a damn, why don't you?"

So while I *am* trying to do something about fixing each thing (except the heart rate monitor - for that I'll need to dig out the instruction manual... wherever that's got to now), I'm also being mindful about the whole experience, and noticing that I don't *need* whatever-the-particular-piece-of-tech-might-be in my life to be happy. Yeah, it's fun. And it gives me some manner of pleasure to have and to use, or I wouldn't have or use it in the first place. But it categorically *isn't* what you'd call a necessity. So there's no point in getting all frustrated and annoyed when it stops working. Life is what it is - what happens, happens. And life's about far, far more than little pieces of tech.

Plus, some things are actually better without. I went to Spin class this morning, and it was a completely different experience for me to base my intensity directly on how my body was feeling and reacting to the pace and resistance, instead of relying on my heart rate monitor to interpret the level at which I should be working for me. I actually had a really good class today, and my body is loving me for it (even if I suspect my quads and adductors are going to be complaining loudly every time I stand up, sit down, or walk up and down stairs for a couple of days)

And if a sense of perspective is the only good thing I take away from this little episode of tech-fairy victimisation, I think it's still well worth it. Yep, yep, getting back to what matters is all good... now where's that damn heart rate monitor manual...

Experiences with the Astral Projecting Kit, anyone?

Image courtesy of Stock Exchange - http://www.sxc.hu/photo/906353

Hmmmmmm....

I've been feeling the need to refocus on dreamwork recently, after having had some pretty amazingly vivid dreams over the past little while.

I've re-set myself up an account with Dreamjournal.net (I'm Starfirenz on there, for anyone who'd like to check out the dreams I'm posting).

While I was over there, I found myself drawn to click on a PPC ad for something called 'The Astral Projecting Kit', and I'm half tempted to try it out; but I'm also a tad nervous because I can't find *anything* about the seller anywhere - not even any contact info. Plus y'know, it's also in that standard one-page sales letter format that so many infotrepreneurs in the niche marketing... well... niche use (just buy *this* one thing and get this and this and this and this and this as absolutely 100% FREE bonuses, yadda yadda yadda)

But I have occasionally found myself worthwhile material online packaged in exactly that format (in amongst all the dross that isn't), so I can't totally rule it out just because of that. And I do know that I generally respond well to guided audios and MP3s and binaurals, so if it is on the level, it would seem to be a pretty good deal. And yet still...

So I thought to myself, "I know! I'll put a wee entry up on my meditation blog - just on the offchance that someone who reads it has tried out the kit, or knows of someone who has, and can either tell me that

1. despite the dodgy site appearance, that no, they are offered by a genuine seller who just has very little idea of what makes a credible website (for the record - no, video isn't enough - at the very least, I want more than one testimonial, and some valid contact details!); or
   
   
2. that no, they're pretty much what they look like - someone out to make a quick buck, and worst case scenario, a credit card scammer

So yeah... this is me throwing it out to the big wide world of my blog-reading public (hey, a girl can wish, right?) I figure if it's on the level *someone* out there will have used it and not felt ripped off after doing so...

Blessings



Starfire

Umbrellas as a Metaphor

Image courtesy of Stock Exchange - http://www.sxc.hu/photo/29053


I've never been much of a fan of umbrellas.

My reasons are twofold. The first is practical: I like, to the greatest extent possible, to have my hands free when I walk. I dislike holding a clutch purse when I go out in the evenings for the same reason - preferring a handbag with a long enough strap that I can carry it cross-body.

The second is more... emotional. Umbrellas create a barrier - something to hide behind - something to distance me from the direct experience of rain on my skin. That is, after all, what they're designed for. And for the most part, I actually *like* feeling the rain and wind in my face. It's a trigger for me - a sensation - a set of stimuli that let me know in no uncertain terms that I'm here, I'm in the present moment, and I'm connected to the world outside myself. Granted, I don't particularly like getting soaked to the bone till I'm sodden - although it's generally not a huge deal if I'm on my way home anyway - I just shrug and figure on a hot cuppa and a dry change of clothes once I get there. And if it's raining *that* hard on the way out, then I'll generally try not to go out in it - or if I absolutely have to, I'll take the car.

Tonight I needed to walk home in the rain. Yes, I could have done what I did last week and wait for Gryphon to finish work and ask him to pick me up en route home... but I don't like to take advantage of that too often (and besides, when he worked late last week and didn't get to my workplace until after I had to leave because the alarms had been switched on, I discovered that while I feel perfectly safe walking home alone in the dark, I don't feel safe standing alone doing nothing outside my workplace - interesting realisation, that). And it wasn't raining that that hard.

I should mention that I've been understandably wary about walking in the rain at all, however much I may like the feel of it on my face, over the past seven months. Makes sense, after all - if you have a cough o' doom you can't shake, the last thing you want to do is allow yourself to get drenched on a cold evening. But tonight I figured that it wasn't raining hard enough to soak me, and I knew I had an umbrella with me, so I figured, "Screw it - let's just do it."

And what do you know... Thus commenced a fun walk home, filled with connections and experiences of all kinds that the umbrella didn't actually create a barrier to.

First, there was the experience of being protected. No, seriously. Don't laugh at me here. You know that scene early on in Heroes s1 where Sandra Bennett asks her daughter what happened at school, and Claire replies "I walked through fire and I didn't get burned"? Well, that's kind of what was going through my mind: "Hey wow, cool, I'm walking through rain and I'm not getting wet".

Yeah, yeah, I know: well, *duh*, that's what umbrellas do, right? But step back from that mundane "yeah, so what?" response a moment. Remember Einstein's comment (I think it was Einstein) that there are two ways to live: either as though nothing is a miracle, or as though everything is. And take a look at an umbrella with fresh eyes. It's an incredibly simple gadget that basically amounts to a portable rain-shield. That's kind of cool. We humans can be clever things at times.

And when I was part of the way home, the rain lightened enough that I was confident my coat would just shed it, so I could put the umbrella down and really feel the freshness of the wind and the smaller, lighter raindrops in my face. And there were puddles I decided to deliberately seek out (OK, so the first one I accidentally stepped in, but then it occurred to me that my soles were waterproof, and it could be a fun way to get the mud off the bottom of my sneakers - and after that I actively splashed in them just because I could). And there was the connection to the clouds rushing by above me; and the odd star that peeked out from between them.

Then, maybe ten minutes later, when the rain had all but stopped, I was walking along and there was a guy walking the other way, umbrella still clutched firmly over him. And I seriously had to stop myself giving him a weird look and saying something like "Hey, the rain's stopped - you can put it away now!"

And right about then, it occurred to me that there's a metaphor in the way I respond to umbrellas that extends out to the way I respond to experience generally. I don't *like* putting up barriers between me and direct experience - I don't *like* trying to hide from it. Sometimes, though, a given experience will be overwhelming, or just needlessly unpleasant (or have unnecessarily nasty consequences). And in any of those cases, there's no virtue in me bounding out to meet it headfirst if I don't have to - nor is there any shame in using a shield to protect myself from the negative aspects of it if I do need to go through it, should there be an incredibly handy one just within reach. Yet other times, I think an experience will end up being worse that it is, or I forget that mixed in with the unpleasantness will be a whole load of pleasantness. In those cases, if I insist on shielding myself from the experience, or all-out avoiding it, I miss out on a whole load of good stuff.

I'm trying to think what I can-and-do use as an umbrella against experience. Analysis, definitely - thinking things through ad nauseum is a big one. Friends, certainly - spending time with other people who help me get away from "bad" feelings. Fiction, sure. None of those things are bad in themselves - and in the right circumstances, they're lifesavers; but like umbrellas, if I'm using them as shields against everything I think will be unpleasant, they can stop me feeling the actual rain and the wind on my face.

So yeah. Umbrellas - metaphorical ones, and the real things both. Tell me you've made it right through this post and that you don't think they're at least a little bit cool. Seriously. Cool, yes?

Everyday mindfulness and letting go of sunk costs

Image courtesy of SXU - http://www.sxc.hu/photo/812896

So I've just been reading a post over at Litemind on sunk cost bias and I've realised that the example Luciano, the article's author, gives (buying a ticket to something and then not feeling like going on the day but going anyway because you've 'already sunk the cost') is something I do all the time.

Actually, no - it's something I do about half the time. The other half the time, I'll decide not to go because I don't feel like it... and then spend the entire time feeling guilty and annoyed with myself for being so damn wasteful (or if it's something I didn't pay for, but I was going to do it with friends, annoyed with myself for letting them down; or just for not following through on something I'd decided to do). Which really makes no more sense than going and being miserable would have done.

I *definitely* do fall victim to sunk cost bias around food (I've bought it, so I should eat it; or I've put it on my plate so I should eat it), around clutter (it's meant something to me in the past, so I should keep it), and often around books (either "I've bought it, so I'm damn well going to finish it even if I'm not enjoying it" - or "I've borrowed it and started it, so I'm going to feel guilty if I hand it back unread")

I love the author's comment about zero-based thinking in the article too. This is something I recognise from my Forum days as "coming from a point of nothing", but phrased in far less jargony, less Landmark-ese terminology. This technique is something I really, really need to practice on a regular basis - I can do it when I'm already calm and something reminds me it's a choice I have, but I find it much harder when I'm caught up in the grip of a drama. Which leads, of course, to the question of how exactly I can remember to actually use the technique next time I need it. That's always my challenge - not in knowing what to do, but in remembering to choose to do it in the heat of the moment.

I guess the only way to do that is... well... to do it. First being mindful and recognising when I'm in a 'sunk cost' situation. Then acknowledging that every moment starts over and letting go. Or, in other words, practise it when I remember, avoid beating myself and just letting it go when I don't. And of course, each time I practise, it'll get that little bit easier to remember to use it next time.

It's a thought anyway...

Thoughtful blessings


Starfire

Guides and Goblin Kings - Working with Fictional Characters

Image courtesy of SXU - http://www.sxc.hu/photo/223188



I originally wrote this post back in 2003 when I blogged with Divatribe, and a post about the Bene Gesserit "Litany against Fear" I found at Devin's Mental Emotional Health blog reminded me of it.

Five years on, I still use the technique I describe below, albeit not quite so often - and I've led discussion groups at SF/F conventions about it that have led me to conclude that I'm not the only one who uses fiction in all sorts of way in real life.

I'd be interested to hear what readers think of the idea - something that blurs the line between fantasy and reality just a little too much, or helpful technique? I know where I stand on the matter, but I'm always interested in hearing other views...

Blessings


Starfire

____________________________

GUIDES AND GOBLIN KINGS - WORKING WITH FICTION... (July 16 2003)


I have a confession to make.(And it's a bit of a doozy).

I talk to people who aren't there.

I don't mean that in the sense that I speak with the spirits of the dead, or with beings from another dimension. Not that that wouldn’t be cool, and not that I'm not jealous as all hell of people who *are* so enabled (and I know a couple of them personally), but apparently, that's not my lot in life. No, I mean it in the real, genuine sense that there are a whole host of people I talk to who literally don't exist. Now, this isn't going to surprise those of my friends who know me in person, and who've seen me talk to everything - chairs, computers, TV remotes, stuck window frames - you name it. If I have to interact with it physically, I've probably talked to it at some point.

But the non-existent people I talk to talk back to me. And that's where my confession gets starts getting worrying.

I think it all started back in one of my applied psych classes. Or maybe it was going through some kind of self-development course, or a journalling workshop. It all seems to blur after a while, and it doesn't really matter anyway. The thing is, that somewhere along the lines, I learned a technique that can be really useful in problem solving.

What you do is look at the problem, and work out what qualities you'd need to solve that problem. It might be physical strength, or compassion, or moral fortitude or whatever. Then, you work out who you know or have heard of - and this hypothetical person can be real or imagined - who's really, really strong in that particular quality. Then you do this little visualisation where you imagine a conversation between them and you - and you talk to them about the problem - ask them how they'd deal with it - what they'd focus on - what techniques they might try using. It can be a really powerful technique for getting your subconscious to hand over information that it's usually a lot more tight-lipped about.

Now because I seem to get a lot more inspired by fictional characters than by real ones (which probably says something very sad about either the state of my life, or the state of the world around me), I built up a whole group of fictional characters I respected for various of the qualities they possessed. If you're not a fan of fantasy and science fiction TV and novels, there's a good chance there's not much point in me going into exactly which characters I associated with what (not that I can remember all of them now anyway), but if you're interested in the particulars, feel free to drop me an e-mail and I'll try to remember the specifics for you. The important thing as far as this piece of writing is concerned, however, is that those characters were there like a standing army that helped me fight my problem-solving battles, and I could always have them there to consult with in the privacy of my own mind.

Now, flash forward a few years, to a point when I was training for my ordination and learning various meditation and visualisation techniques. And the concept of guides came up, as it so often does when you start exploring the esoteric. And I did the visualisation, and got to meet interesting beings in my meditations. The only thing was - most of these beings had forms I already knew. From the problem solving visualisations. Which put me into an interesting quandary. Now don't get me wrong - I have no problem believing in the objective existence of guides. At least, not in general terms. It's just that when they're wearing the faces of characters that someone else has written for profit… well, you can understand my feelings of scepticism.

I'm figuring there are two possible answers here. Either these beings that I'm 'meeting' in my meditations aren't anything outside of me at all - they're just parts of me - aspects of my personality, much like the subpersonalities I've talked about before. But the parts correspond enough to these make-believe characters, that my brain has created some kind of mental heuristic, noticed the similarities between my aspects (or what my aspects aspire to being) and the characters, and, then, with some kind of pavlovian conditioning, come to associate one with the other. Which kind of works as a theory… and doesn't threaten anyone's nice sane, ordered view of how the world works.

The other option, which is only going to be taken seriously by those who have a fairly new age and/or spiritual bent to start with (and no, they're not the same thing… but they're not mutually exclusive, either), is that I am actually dealing with external guides of some sort… but because they're non-physical, they can pretty much take on any form they please in the privacy of my mind. And since I already have these nice handy 'shells' all ready and waiting in my mind from when I used them to help me problem-solve (look, audience, here's one I prepared earlier!), the aforementioned guides have decided they might as well use the forms that already exist, to save me the bother of having to create ideas of what they look like from scratch. Hey, it could happen…

Or, behind door number three, let's not forget the possible option that I've gone completely mad and have now lost the ability to tell fact from fiction anymore. I have a sneaking suspicion that there are a number of people out there who - given that I'm an officially ordained Priestess of an ancient Greek Goddess, that I practice energy healing, and that I have a strong belief that focusing on something will manifest it - would feel that my inability to tell fantasy from reality is pretty much a given from the first. I'm not going to argue with them. I'll just smile - like the poster says - reality is for those with no imagination.

But personally, I tend to incline toward the first option - most of the time, at least. Hey, it let's me have the best of both worlds - a belief that I'm still sane AND an ability to chat to my heart's content with broody, soul-laden vampires, alien warriors, uber-humans who can pretend to be anything they want…. and now singing, dancing Sidhe-type Fair Folk royalty. Yep. Now we get to the meat of my confession. The reason this whole topic has come up at the moment… as of last weekend, I seem to have developed a new 'guide'.

A question for the fantasy buffs out there. Remember back toward the end of the 80's, Jim Henson (he of Muppets fame) got together with David Bowie and created that modern magical fantasy fairy-tale to end all fairy-tales - The Labyrinth? Sigh… I've always loved that movie. And I've always loved the character of Jareth - David Bowie's rendition of the Goblin King.

Well, the other day, I was online, doing something completely unrelated, and I somehow ended up on a Labyrinth fanfiction page (yep, this confession just gets more and more seedy). And I started reading. And suddenly, Jareth was there, in the back of my mind. And he didn't want to leave.

Initially, I just put it down to my overactive escapist tendencies - the 'gods I want to get away from it all, and I want to get away NOW!' thoughts that tend to hit me at my weaker moments. But as the days went by, I started noticing that the times they happened most were times when I could actually constructively *use* a lot of the characteristics that Jareth, the king of the goblins, has. The two things I've been focussing on most strongly over the past little while have been dreamwork and manifesting... and let's face it, the ability to manipulate reality and work with illusion are two of the areas the be-breeched, spiky-haired one is strongest in.

So after taking a few moments to indulge myself in a little good-natured 'Oh-gods-I-can't-believe-my-subconscious-is-working-this-way' laughing at myself, I think I'm now ready to start actually *working* with this new 'guide' in my life.

How can I do this?

Well, meditation is a good place to start - heading into the privacy of my 'sacred garden' where a large number of my guided meditations begin - and inviting Jareth to join me for a wee chat about what he can offer me in my current path, and any suggestions he might have to offer. Then there's dreamworking - trying to incubate a dream in which I meet up with him and have a similar kind of conversation. Finally, there's writing - if I'm not having any luck with either of the first two, maybe I can sit down and write a story (or at least a scene) about meeting up with him and what we'd say to each other if we did (avoiding the temptation to turn the whole thing into a Mary-Sue fanfic... and believe me, that temptation is *always* there). These are all things I've found helpful in working with other 'guides', so they're reasonable places to start working with this one. And if I discover other techniques along the way, so much the better.

And if nothing else, I get to indulge my current obsession *and* call it spiritual at the same time. You really can justify anything if you try hard enough ;-)

Hugs and blessings



Starfire

In praise of taking a mindful break

Image courtesy of SXU - http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1032904


I've just got back from a weekend away, visiting my Dad in the lovely township of Whitianga, on New Zealand's Coromandel peninsula.

Gryphon (my husband) and I went up there because it's been about seven months now since I've seen Dad - petrol prices having gone up in the crazy way they have (it's a three-hour drive out there), and Gryphon's and my combined timetables from work and study having been basically prohibitive, and... well, lots of other excuses if I look for them. The net result has been that there hasn't been any filial visiting. This was remedied this weekend, and it was a wonderful, wonderful break.

While Dad has a computer, I deliberately didn't go anywhere near it after the first evening I was up there. I basically read, chatted to family (my aunt and uncle live up there as well, so we got to see them as well, and my cousin and her little one), and perhaps more relevantly for my health and ongoing peace-of-mind-recovery, I had two much-needed early nights in a row. I think I coughed a little less while I stayed there too.

I didn't actively meditate while I was up there, but I did take advantage of the moments I was given for mindfulness. There was a moment where we went for a drive as a family, and stopped beside the beach. Being so close to midwinter, the wind was icy - which made for interesting potential for being mindful of my physical body - but at the same time, it was bracing and refreshing, and helped to blow away some of the cobwebs that had been building recently.

I found myself just standing there, looking out over the water for a bit, watching the gulls and other seabirds out on the harbour, diving for whatever delicacies they'd discovered swimming below them. And I let my breathing deepen and slow, and before I knew it, I was breathing to the rhythm of the tiny waves that were oh-so-gently breaking against the golden-white-sand-shore. It was a case of breathing in, breathing in, holding, holding as the waves built... and then as each small wave crashed (it's a very sheltered harbour, so the waves don't get particularly big), I let my breathing tip over into an exhale. Breathing to the rhythm of the ocean. Not doing or trying or controlling... just allowing.

I wasn't out there that long... a few breath cycles only (it was too damn cold, for a start!) But I didn't need to be - I think I was pretty much there exactly as long as I needed to be.

There were other moments like that over the course of the visit. I have a sneaking suspicion I need quite a few more days like that to get myself back into balance... and I'm hoping it won't be another seven months before I head up there again.

Meanwhile though - it was just a couple of days away. And wow... I'm seriously grateful for the difference it made.

Now, of course, it's time to get back to 'real life' - work begins again tomorrow. Perhaps my task for myself this week is to bring some of the mindfulness I felt while I was breathing in time with the ocean back into my worklife.

It can't hurt to try it and see what happens, after all :-)

Blessings



Starfire

Life goes in cycles - you'd think I would have twigged to this by now

Image courtesy of SXU: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1025373


Life goes in cycles: this is a basic part of my belief systems. So perhaps it shouldn't surprise me that rather than being able to say "The wracking cough I've had since January is getting better", I'm instead saying, "Today I had a good day."

There's the unspoken understanding about the statement that having a good day today means pretty much jack with respect to whether or not I'm likely to have a good day tomorrow. It doesn't mean I'm getting better. It just means that right now, right here, I'm having a good day. I can appreciate that, ignore it, or get frustrated that it doesn't mean I'm getting better and doesn't mean tomorrow will be good too. But the truth is that when it comes down to it, how I react doesn't change what it is. It only changes the quality of my experience of what it is.

And suddenly, I'm sounding remarkably buddhist. Huh.

There's another cycle I became aware of this week as well. A much longer lived one. See, in my late teens and early twenties, I spent a lot of time believing I wasn't really worth a lot. It was partly a reaction to some stuff that had happened earlier in my life, and partly my inner melodrama queen coming out to play. But the net result was that I didn't like myself and couldn't for the life of me understand why anyone else would either.

I spent a large part of my mid-to-late twenties *doing* something about that. I did a lot of inner work - both psychological, spiritual, and stuff that blended the two. And gradually, I learned to like who I was. I got fit, and my outer appearance started to match the image I was starting to carry of myself. Well, mostly, anyway. And I thought, "Hey, wow, I'm there, I like me, I've journeyed a long, long way down the path, and I'm never going back to what I was."

What I didn't realise was that the path is a circle (or at least a spiral...) In my early thirties I made a couple of truly godawful choices whose consequences I still haven't really stopped beating myself up for yet... and gradually I found it harder and harder to like or respect who I was being, and harder and harder to understand how anyone could possibly do so either. And yeah, the weight came back on with it (funny that, hmmm)? And it suddenly felt like I was right back where I started before all that inner work: like everything I'd ever achieved in terms of self-image, self-respect and self-worth had just disappeared - dissolving into thin air, or flushed down the drain, but either way, lost and gone beyond hope of recovery... And there I was, back in the same pit I'd fought so hard to get myself out of the first time around.

What I realised viscerally over the past couple of days was that maybe a part of that whole slide back down into what I used to be has come because I stopped doing all that inner work: after all, that's what helped me climb out of the pit the first time around... but the likely reality is that it's not just a one-time thing. You don't shower once and then expect it to keep you clean for the rest of your life. And yeah, it's no different on a psychological or spiritual level. I think I've touched on this realisation a number of times over the past couple of years. There's a f'locked post a wee while back where I talk about the the Native American myth of the old man who has two wolves - a dark wolf and a light one - fighting for dominion in his heart; and the one that will win being the one he chooses to feed.

I need to start consciously feeding the light wolf inside me and bringing myself back into a state of something resembling inner balance. I need to get back on with that inner work that helped me the first time around - I've done it once, so theoretically, it should be easier this time around. If nothing else, the BCoD has gradually, systematically stripped away all the facades and defensive layers that I'd put up to hide from myself. That's one good thing about it: lying to myself takes energy and resources, and if I'm too exhausted to hold my shields and my barriers intact, I'm too exhausted to keep pretending.

So what that's going to mean to my blogging presence I don't know. Possibly long intervals between posts. Possibly the opposite, with lots of navel-gazing. Possibly a load of surface-level stuff like I've been posting lately. Gods, I just don't know right now. I know I need to start with meditation and mindful reconnection.

As for anything else? It'll be as it'll be.

It's just what is.

Back again

Image Courtesy of SXU - http://www.sxc.hu/photo/897022

Wow - February since I last updated, huh? Scary!

All I can say of the past 6 months is that I've allowed them to *totally* get on top of me :-(

Between work and study, I basically let myself get overwhelmed, and my physical health, as well as my mental/emotional/spiritual health, have been showing it. I'm learning though - honestly I am. I've chosen to take a study break for a semester, and I'm currently glorying in the freedom that comes with *not* studying.

I'm hoping to get back to semi-regular posting, but at this stage, I just want to see how it goes.

Blessings




Starfire

7 not-so-random facts about... meditation & me

Image courtesy of Stock.xhng (http://www.sxc.hu/photo/912570)

So the lovely Anuradha over on "Wonders of Meditation" just tagged me with the "7 Random Facts about Me" meme, and I was in two minds whether to answer or not. Not because of anything to do with the meme itself, but more because I wanted this blog to have a specific meditation focus, rather than being about me specifically.

Then a little voice inside asked "But what if you could combine the two?" So, errr... yes. That's exactly what I'm going to try and do with this post. Behold the results: 7 random facts about me somehow all related to meditation ;-)

OK... so here goes:

1. First Exposure: My first exposure to the concept of meditation was when I was a young child, and I used to like sitting alone in the dark and just thinking. One day, my older cousin came in and found me like that, and immediately declaimed with the voice of greatest childish authority that I looked like I was meditating, and that it was weird. She couldn't quite explain what meditating was, but she knew it was weird.
   
   
2. The Martial Arts Connection: Later, as a teenager, I used to love reading martial arts stories (e.g. Lustbader's "Ninja" set). The first time I ever thought about learning to meditate was after reading a scene in which the martial artist protagonist meditated to prepare himself for a coming trial.
   
   
3. First Time Learning: The first time I *actually* learned to meditate was with the Sri Chinmoy Centre in Auckland in my mid-20s. They were offering free sessions, and I figured "why not?" (plus? It was a chance to spend time with the man who was going to, unknown to both of us, turn out to be my husband six years later) While not every technique the Centre uses worked for me, I'm still grateful to them for providing me with my initial start.
   
   
4. Biggest Source of Techniques: I probably learned the most (in terms of sheer quantity of techniques) about meditation from my early years exploring the Pagan paths, during which time I was a total information sponge; absorbing whatever I could without judgement, trying it, seeing if it worked, and keeping if it did, or simply archiving it in my files as "potentially useful for someone else" if it didn't.
   
   
5. Best Source of Techniques (and Self-Knowledge!):I probably learned the most (in terms of depth of technique, and about myself and what works for me) when I was training for ordination as a Priestess with the Fellowship of Isis. The training for this involved meditating daily, keeping a detailed meditation diary, and submitting it to and discussing it with my tutor on a regular basis.
   
   
6. Biggest Frustration: I'm actually split as to what to answer here - there are two possibilities that get equal billing. One is that many meditation techniques require the practitioner to visualise something, and my visualisation skills (even after the training I've done) are atrocious. I'm basically about 90% audio-based and 10% kinaesthetic - I even find it hard to remember new faces until I've met the person four or five times unless there's something unique about their appearance I can capture in language. Occasionally I can manage visualising one colour at a time for a chakra meditation, but anything more visually complex than that? Forget it! The other frustration is that self-discipline of maintaining routines is NOT something I'm strong in, so while I genuinely enjoy meditating, if I'm not accountable to someone or something, I'll often let my practice slide (which is, let's face it, pretty much exactly why I started this blog!)
   
   
7. Favourite Techniques: Honestly, despite all the complex guided journeying and breathing techniques I've learned over the years, my favourite is almost always simply reaching with my 'roots' for the ground, centring myself, and then just focusing on the in-and-out of my breath. Occasionally, if I'm feeling distractable, I'll count the breaths, rather than just focus on sensation. The other perennial favourite that I do a little less often is a very simple chakra meditation that involves focussing on the sensations around each chakra in turn for a given number of slow, deep breaths (usually five or ten). As I breathe in, I'll draw in energy up through my roots and down through my crown, and I'll feel the energy and the breath together filling up the chakra - first the root, then the sacral, and so on, up to my crown.
   

Now, theoretically at this point in time, I'm supposed to tag 7 other people, but while I don't mind answering memes myself, I hate putting other people on the spot. So instead I'll open it up to the floor for anyone reading who wants to answer. What are 7 random facts about you and the topic of your blog? Enquiring minds want to know... ;-)

Blessings



Starfire

What am I passionate about?

(Image courtesy of Stock Exchange: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/470762)














Over on his blog "Slow down fast", David Bohl talks about authenticity and telling people what you're passionate about.

While I think the post is great in and of itself, and that being authentic around our friends about the things we're passionate about *is* a critical part of having an authentic friendship, that's not actually what I want to post about.

Instead, it's the gut-level response I had to reading David's opening question paragraph:

"Let’s assume you had five minutes to give a speech. You would receive a very large sum of money if you gave a speech that the judges considered “passionate.” You choose the topic, you write the speech. You give a passionate speech, you get the money.What would you talk about?"

As I read it, my answer just jumped out, fully formed and far too intense within my mind's ear to ignore. For me? What fascinates me more than almost anything is the human mind and how it works. I'm interested in the workings of my own mind, and that of other people's. I'm wildly curious about how our different minds work together; how we think, how we communicate, what motivates us, and what gets in our way (or makes us get in the way of ourselves). And I'm enthralled by the potential for healing that understanding the mind can create.

I'm also fascinated by the way our minds perceive the different realms of experience: the physical, the spiritual, the emotional and the imaginary. What's more, I'm thoroughly fascinated by the very real possibility that these 'different' realms might not be nearly as different as common wisdom tells us they are (or at the very least, that the boundaries between each realm might be a little... fuzzier than common wisdom assumes they are). And because I'm fascinated, I'm passionate about constantly, as often as possible, as much as possible, learning more.

That fascination and passion is why I originally chose a psychology degree back when I was fresh out of highschool. It's why I'm studying for a degree in Communications now a decade later. It's why I learned to meditate, and part (if not all) of why I trained as a priestess. And yeah; it's why I keep this blog.

You see, whatever else they may be doing for me spiritually (and I wouldn't want to discount that aspect of practice), one of the biggest attractors about regular mindfulness and meditation for me is that they help me notice and understand how my mind works. They feed my passion to learn and to understand the workings of my own mind; and through that, of human minds in general. They support (or refute) the theory I learn in books and from discussions with other people. They are , in a very real sense, part of my learning process. And through their association with that learning, I've become passionate about meditation and mindfulness in and of themselves.

So when David asks me to imagine that I have to write a passionate speech about something, I don't need to wonder whether I'd be able to talk with real passion about a given topic, or even what I'd end up writing about. I just remember the posts I've made recently on this blog when I've discovered something new about meditation or mindfulness, or about myself and the way my mind works, or the similarities or differences I've noticed between my mind and someone else's. Oh yeah, this is what I'm passionate about.

Thank you, David, for reminding me of that :-)

Fascinated (and passionate) blessings



Starfire

Is constant mindfulness necessary (or even a good thing?)

Over on his fascinating blog, Daily Life as a Spiritual Exercise, Rick Hurst asserts a couple of things I found interesting in his latest post, "The Fine Line between Meditation and Hypnosis".

The first thing is that the difference between meditation and hypnosis is that meditation "leads us to full awareness of the present moment where Reality lives where hypnosis does the opposite. It puts us asleep to the present moment".

The second is that it is dangerous to be asleep to the present moment, and that the dangers are best illustrated with the example of a mother, in charge of watching a small child, who prefers to distract herself watching TV rather than actually watching the child, and therefore doesn't see him ingesting pills, thinking they were candy.

I'll look at each of these in turn below, because they each prompt very definite responses in me (and hey, what's a blog for if not for writing about responses you've had to things?)


The Difference Between Meditation and Hypnosis

I've actually asked myself this question before on my personal blog back in 2006 when I was first playing with hypnosis audios.

The answer I came up with (for those who find the mind-dump I wrote there a little too rambly) was a little fuzzy, but basically seemed to boil down to the concept that I used a given hypnosis session for a particular purpose. That purpose could vary: it might be to change a behaviour, to change an attitude, or to change a belief; but there was always an "in order to" about it, and it was always about changing something specific. Meditation, on the other hand, for me, was an end in itself. I might occasionally meditate upon a specific state with the aim of experiencing that state more often (which I grant you, is a kind of change). I might also start a journeying with the aim of finding the answer to a question I'd been struggling with too. But for the most part I meditate to meditate.

Rick's answer: that meditation is always about connecting with the present moment, doesn't work for me - probably because my definition of what meditation is seems far broader than his. I include under the umbrella term 'meditation' practices like breath counting, journeying, mantra meditation, mindfulness meditation, guided meditation, and visualisation. I'm not certain, but I think it's likely that Rick has a far more specific definition of meditation.

Under the definition I work with, of course, breath counting and mantra meditations are still meditations, and are all about narrowing your focus to a single object or concept. I suspect that, as such, Rick would say that you're cutting off awareness of all the other things around you; and therefore, opening yourself up to all the dangers he mentions in his example. As for guided meditations, journeying and visualisations? They're absolutely about letting go of where you are physically at a given time and letting your imagination take flight. Clearly then, these would be practices to avoid if you want to stay grounded in the present moment.

The truth about language is that it is subjective. The symbol is not the thing, the map is not the territory, and any given word is simply a symbol for the meaning we intend to encode within it. The dictionary definition of Term X is a description of the most common shared meaning for a given collection of syllables: it's not an absolute prescription of that meaning. Acknowledging this is what makes it OK for me to say "you and I have a different understanding of 'Term X' - but as long as we can both describe what we mean when we say 'Term X', and agree on a meaning for the duration of this conversation (or if I can accept that by 'Term X', you mean something I'd encode using 'Term Y', and then silently substitute Term Y for Term X in my brain) we can still communicate constructively".

So in this case, I'll accept that, for the purposes of communicating using shared terminology, under Rick's definition of meditation, many of the things I would class as meditation are, in fact, something completely different - some other kind of technique. Does that therefore follow that all these these techniques (which don't involve connecting with the present moment, and in fact involve deliberately divorcing myself from it, however temporarily) are dangerous?


Is Constantly Mindfulness Necessary (or even Desirable)?

I suspect that at this point, the differences between Rick's worldview and mine move from merely semantic to deep level conceptual. Rick seems to be making an absolute statement: being in a state of mindfulness is always a good thing; and being in a non-mindful state is always a dangerous thing. I did query this, and I'm not totally sure (at what point does disagreeing with someone and questioning them on on their blog become being argumentative?), but the impression I received was that yes, I'd understood Rick's statement correctly.

This doesn't gel as being true for my experience. Absolutely, there are times when it is necessary to be mindful: driving a car or looking after a small child are prime examples. But do we need this level of mindfulness every minute of every day? Is it so dangerous to allow ourselves to rest, to dream, to imagine, to fly, and to explore what's inside us? Aren't our inner worlds every bit as valid as territories to explore as our outer? And assuming, of course, we have taken responsibility for creating a safe spot for ourselves in the real world, in which everything we would usually be responsible for being aware of is being taken care of; isn't it perfectly permissible to let go? If not, surely we're being irresponsible by simply choosing to go to sleep every night?

In my understanding of the way the world works (such as it is), different paths work for different people, and the one that works best for me is one of balance. There are very, very few things I can say work best all the time. For the most part, the biblical concept of "a time for everything and everything in its time" has seemed to make sense to me as 'the middle path'. To move from the general to the specific, this means to me that, like everything else, mindfulness has its time and place, and that there are times when it's not only permissible, it's desirable to switch off.

I'm not sure - I'd love to hear Rick's take on whether I've understood what he was saying correctly - but I think in this case, it's fair to say that my 'balance in everything' clashes fairly solidly with the 'mindfulness in everything' stance I perceive from Rick's post. I acknowledge that not everyone lives in the same kind of 'balance in everything' subjective world that I do, and if Rick's world is one of absolutes where mindfulness is always right, that's fine too. It would be a boring world if we all saw things the same way.

I have to say, though, that concept clash or not, I'm grateful to Rick for prompting me to think hard, not just about the differences between meditation and hypnosis; but about the deeper questions around mindfulness, consciousness and practice, and what's desirable for me.

I'm also curious to know what other readers think. What are your definitions of hypnosis and meditation? In your understanding, are they diametrically opposed to each other, or are they simply different techniques, perhaps techniques that can even support each other? And in your understandings of mindfulness and spirituality, what's the "right" blend of mindful awareness of the world around you, vs awareness and exploration of the worlds within you?

Looking forward to hearing back from you!

Blessings




Starfire

As promised: "Winds of Change" meditation audio review

In my last post, I mentioned trying out Dragon Rising's free trial "Winds of Change" meditation audio, but failing to get anything out of it. This was not necessarily because of any problem inherent in the audio itself, so much as the fact that I have a persistent dry cough at the moment that's showing no signs of going away; and my meditation session was constantly being interrupted as I doubled over into coughing spasms. This is not going to make for a relaxing meditation session in anyone's book, so I figured it would make sense for me to call it quits that particular evening, and try again later.

OK, well, this morning, I tried again; and you know, I think I like the audio. It's not so much what I'd usually think of as a 'guided meditation' - it's more a description of a scene (and an incredibly vivid, imagery-laden, poetic description at that), that leaves me not so much with the impression of having undertaken an inner journey, as just with an intuitive sense of possibility and.. hope, I guess.

It started purely with the sound of a rainstorm; and that seemed real enough to me that I could feel myself, walking along a road, caught in a flash summer downpour - feeling the rain splashing on my skin, and my clothes plastering themselves to my limbs. Slowly, the storm eased and stopped, the music kicked in, and Sylvia Hartmann's vocals began to describe the sensation of feeling the wind approaching. Her words wove complex images of the places the wind had blown before it reached me, and I found myself totally entranced by it - caught up in the descriptions of sights and sounds and smells.

Looking back on it, I think that I enjoyed this audio mainly because I was in the right frame of mind for it at the time; and because I found it easy, when the storm sounds started, to just slip into trance state. It occurs to me that there was no deliberate lead-in into relaxation or trance-state - that state where your conscious mind with all its judgements and comparisons is... not completely quiet, but at least quieter. So perhaps if you're not used to doing this for yourself, you won't get so much out of the audio - I'm fairly certain that If I'd just been listening to it in normal, waking headspace, I would have been left with a kind of 'OK, so what exactly was the point of that?' reaction.

As it was, I did enjoy it, and I'm seriously thinking about buying the full audio to try it out - at least I am once I've finished listening through all the free and trial audios I've collected!

Blessings, and I hope your meditation practice is going well.



Starfire

Meditative fast food analogies: In the Starfireverse at least, guided meditations are like "Subway"

I listened through another of the Dragon Rising meditation audios last night. I'm not going to review it today, because (due to constant convulsions of coughing that will throw a damper onto my focus in *any* meditation) I'm not 100% sure of my reactions to it. I'm going to aim to listen through it again this weekend, and then I'll write a review once I've been able to give it a fair chance.

I also reinstated my Meditainment.com membership earlier on in the week too: something I'd let lapse a while back because I'd already downloaded all the files they had, and they hadn't put up enough new content to make renewing worth it to me. When I went back this week, however, I discovered there was enough new stuff on the site that I'd happily join up again - so you can expect to start seeing some of their guided meditations reviewed over the next little while as well.

That's not, however, the purpose of this post. That honour is reserved for an amused thought I had as I was finishing writing up my responses to the Dragon Rising "Winds of Change" meditation in my offline meditation diary last night.

It occurred to me that that meditation audios are, for me, very much the equivalent of eating semi-healthy fast food (e.g. a "Subway" wrap, for example).

• Work involved: They don't require me to actively think or prepare myself (kind of like Subway comes to me ready-prepared without requiring me to actually do any work to create it)
• Short-term effectiveness: They're good as far as they go, but they rarely have the inner impact of a journeying I design myself or that I spontaneously drift into; or a pure mindfulness meditation (kind of like Subway's not bad as fast food goes, but it's still not as good for me as a balanced meal I prepare myself)
• Long-term effectiveness: They're fine every now and then for fun and enjoyment, but they're not really going to take me closer to my meditation goals, especially if I do nothing else for my practice but use them (kind of like Subway's fine occasionally, but wouldn't be so healthy if it was all I ate!)
• Unnecessary expenses: They're not cheap. OK, they're not horrendously expensive, either; but if my goals are to meditate regularly and to improve my meditation focus and 'stamina', they also cost money I don't have to spend to move me closer to my goal (kind of like the way that Subway costs more than making the equivalent thing on my own would, and is totally unnecessary for me to have a balanced diet - it's basically an extra expense)

I know it's a bizarre analogy, but I've realised that this is what guided meditation audios are for me -a kind of guilty pleasure that I'm not really guilty about. They're fun things I play with that benefit me through the pleasure they bring me, rather than necessary tools of my meditation practice.

I know for some people, though, they're a critical tool without which they couldn't practice at all. And others don't use them at all, finding them too structured, or just generally annoying. That's fine - it takes all types.

How about you? Do you use guided meditations at all? If so, what part of your practice do they form? If not, what *are* the tools you use?

I'm interested to see just how different the responses I'll get to this question are.

Curious blessings



Starfire

How (and whether) I interpret things is MY choice: Mindful Communication

I had a conversation last night that had the potential to turn into something even more unpleasant than the situation that had prompted it. The details are fairly personal, but were prompted by a situation that involved a conflict that goes back a few weeks.

I'd sought out the conversation because I'd become aware that the other person involved had things they felt they hadn't been able to say, and for the sake of a mutual friend, I wanted to give them a forum to say what they felt needed saying.

I'd decided up front that I wanted to approach the conversation mindfully. Before I made the call, I sat down and decided what I hoped for it to achieve, and listed any points I wanted to make if the other person wanted me to do anything other than listen and hear them; and any responses I wanted to be able to give to any points I suspected the other person would make themselves, if they wanted responses. At the top and bottom of the of the list, underlined and in bold, I wrote my purpose in calling: to provide a forum for the other person to say what they wanted to say, and most of all, to *listen*.

I acknowledged to myself that I was specifically not calling to mend fences, or try to make everything OK, or make the other person feel better. I let myself really experience the fact that I was *not* attached to the outcome. My task was simply to hear, stay calm, and walk away afterward.

So I did all this preparation, only to find that when I called the other person at the time we'd agreed to discuss the issue, that they'd asked a third party to put across their point of view for them, so it wasn't actually them I was talking to.

That came as a surprise, and I became aware that there was a part of my mind (something off behind a gauze curtain somewhere, that I could just see a shadow of from the conscious part of me that was actually *having* the conversation) that was working - semi-consciously, on how I was going to choose to interpret that.

One interpretation was that the other person, who'd apparently told a number of mutual friends that they thought I owed them a huge apology behind my back, wasn't willing to make the effort, even when I gave them a forum for it, to face me themselves and ask for it.

Another, just as valid, was that the other person didn't trust their own ability to stay calm and rational; and because they wanted the discussions to be productive, and to avoid making them even worse than they were now, they'd chosen to ask for help in communicating.

Or yet another interpretation was that my communication skills were so bad, and this person thought of me as being so scary that they were terrified to speak to me on their own.

There were, of course, other interpretations available, but those were the three that came immediately to mind. One of them directly supported my goals in seeking the conversation in the first place, and, perhaps not coincidentally, was something I would find myself having to respect in the other person. The second interpretation? Well, it allowed me to feel 'right', but really didn't have a lot else going for it. And the third somehow at once made me feel powerful and yet hurt / misunderstood.

Now, in the past, I would have felt a need to decide on which of these interpretations I wanted to work from before I felt ready to carry on with the conversation (always assuming that I'd even been mindful enough about the communication situation to acknowledge that there *were* multiple interpretations of the other person's action available). And I would have expected to judge myself on how easy I found it to accept the interpretation that best supported the goals of the conversation.

But interestingly enough, that's not what happened.

What happened, there behind that gauze curtain in my mind, was that the part of me that was looking at the various interpretations available stopped, said "Huh. Look! There are multiple ways we can look at this." And then it shut up, and let me get back to the conversation.

I realised I didn't have to know which of the interpretations was "true" to continue listening, and even saying what I needed to say at various points in the conversation. All I needed to do was hold in mind the fact that multiple interpretations were possible, and that I didn't know or need to know which one (or combination of ones) was true.

And it helped that the person I did speak to had excellent communication skills himself - it was actually a huge relief not to have to be the sole voice of calm that was responsible for keeping the conversation on track. So from that point of view, the discussion really was far more productive than it probably would have been had I spoken to the other party in the conflict. It might well not have been, however, if I'd either consciously or unconsciously chosen either of the less helpful interpretations for why I was speaking to him, and then taken part in the conversation working from that filter.

There are a lot of lessons I'm taking from this. But one of the most vivid right now is that being mindful of my interpretations of another person's actions or words can make all the difference when it comes to constructive communications.

Thoughtful blessings




Starfire

Self Enquiry Questions:

(Note: the questions are borrowed from a post by Lucid entitled "The New Year is Up and Running"; and the image is an LJ icon by MysticMirth)


I may yet post another, more general version of my answers to these questions from Caitlin Matthews in my personal journal. In the meantime, though, I wanted to explore my answers to them specifically as they relate to my meditation and mindfulness practice, and especially as they relate to my 2008 year theme of 'Stable Foundations'. So... here we go then.


The Questions

The questions below originally come from Caitlin Matthews' "Celtic Devotional", and run as follows:

1. What am I endeavoring to manifest now in my life?
2. How can I change my thought patterns to empower my goals?
3. What old connections can I release now, for my highest good?
   
4. What wisdom is seeking to reveal itself to me at this time?
5. What new idea has seeded itself this winter, and how can I best nurture it to fruition, as the Earth nurtures her seeds?
   
6. What are the imprisoning fears that I feel ready to release?
   
7. What part of me will awaken as the rebirth of Spring arrives?
   
8. How can I best focus on my blessings this season?
9. How can I turn negatives into positives?
   
10. How can I make the best use of this lifetime?

And the answers?



1. What am I endeavouring to manifest now in my life?

I'm trying to create a stable foundation of regular, if not daily, mindfulness and meditation practice. This doesn't have to involve sitting, but can do. It's about building a base where being mindful of what is - both within me and around me - is the default position. It's not about stopping thinking or imagining or telling myself stories; but it is about mindful awareness of the fact that I'm both doing it when I do it, and that it is my choice as to whether I continue to do it, or choose a different way of being.



2. How can I change my thought patterns to empower my goals?

OK, this is a somewhat harder question, but still a valid one:

• I can stop making excuses or creating blame. Things are what they are, and I need to work with them from there.
• I can stop comparing myself to others. I know intellectually that everyone's on their own path - just because someone else seems to be able to meet a challenge with ease, it doesn't automatically follow that I should be able to.
  
• In that vein, get rid of that damn 'should' stick. I know 'should' is one of the most profoundly unhelpful word in the English language - but it's also one of the harder ones to eradicate. I can still work on doing so though.

3. What old connections can I release now, for my highest good?

Oooh, interesting question. What connections do I need to release? I'm not sure about this one - it may require more thought.



4. What wisdom is seeking to reveal itself to me at this time?

Interesting... when I try to follow the answer to this one back through to my intuition, the answer I get very strongly is 'you already have everything you need... quit stalling and put it into practice already!' And I know the voice I hear it in as well. Ooookay, thank you Scathach, grand high butt-kicker and failproof reality-checker in the Starfireverse!



5. What new idea has seeded itself this winter, and how can I best nurture it to fruition, as the Earth nurtures her seeds?

OK, in this case, I'm going to change the seasons around a little, given that it's High Summer down here in the southern hemisphere in the Land of the Long White Cloud. Instead, I'm going to ask what seed has been growing into a seedling over the spring, that's getting ready to fruit now?

And I think the answer there is this blog. I sat with the idea of it during a fairly stressful second half of 2007, and finally started it up back in December. Ideally, it's going to be a tool to support my own practice, while letting me connect with other people who have similar interests, and help me support and offer resources to other folks' practice too.

As to how I can nurture it? Keep posting. Remember to make a note, when I meditation, of any topics that might make good blog posts. Remember to keep reading other related blogs, and posting links to articles I've found helpful and/or inspirational.

*pauses*

*thinks*

Yeah, that sounds about right :-)



6. What are the imprisoning fears that I feel ready to release?

Hmmmmm, imprisoning fears? That I can't keep anything (whether it be regular practice, or regular posting) going long-term. That I'm more of a 'flash in the pan' kind of person - I go wild with something when I first start it, but enthusiasm rapidly wanes, and eventually I just give up again.

I guess the way to deal with that is to look at those areas in my life where I have kept things going long-term. My relationship with the lovely Gryphon (the wonderful man to whom I'm married) - my Communication degree studies - my love of reading and learning. So it's not true to say I can't keep things going long term, and fearing it isn't helping me achieve what I want.

I'm not quite sure what I'll do with the realisation from there though.



7. What part of me will awaken as the rebirth of Spring arrives?

I'll look at this one as 'what part of me awoke last spring', and answer it as the part that wants to integrate my spirituality and mindfulness practice within a balanced whole 21st century person, rather than trying to constantly separate out time and space for it off to one side, apart from 'real life'. It's not that I believe I shouldn't be able to take time out sometimes... gods know I need that... but more a recognition that I want to be spiritual and mindful within the main part of my life as well...



8. How can I best focus on my blessings this season?

By refusing to be complacent about them... by taking time out at the end of each day to look back and recognise the areas I've been blessed in that day. There are so damn many of them, after all ;-) I think my gratitude journal may need to come out again. Plus, taking the time during my walks to work, or moments on the PC to just breathe and recognise that, yeah, I'm a very blessed person, and I owe it to myself to recognise and be mindful of the fact.



9. How can I turn negatives into positives?

By looking for the lesson, looking for the blessing, or just accepting that somehow, either letting go or dealing with the situation is making me into a better person.



10. How can I make the best use of this lifetime?

I'm still working on my answer to this one. But honestly? I'm not sure there's anything different I need to be doing (at least, not right now) than I am. I'm learning what it means to be myself, and what it means to be the best me I can be.

I'm being as open as I can to new and different ideas and viewpoints - trying them on, seeing if there's value for me in them, and trying to let them go if there isn't. And I'm trying to be there for my friends and family in balanced ways that don't involve me breaking myself. I'm developing myself into the best communications expert I can be through my studies, because I believe that's a gift I have that lets me contribute to others AND make a living while I'm at it. Plus, I'm trying to create this meditation resource site to contribute to my own practice and the practice of others.

There may be a better use I can make of my life that will reveal itself to me presently. For the meantime, however, I'm reasonably content with the use I'm making of the time I'm given now.



And those are my answers.

Hmmmm... I think I'm going to make a note in my task list at the end of this year to look through these and see if my responses have changed a year down the track.

*soft smile*

If nothing else, it'll be interesting!

Thoughtful blessings




Starfire