Monday, October 20, 2008

Self awareness and judgementality

Image courtesy of http://www.sxc.hu/photo/92517


I had an interesting conversation with someone at work today that gave me an uncomfortable insight or two into the way my mind works (don't you just love those?)

The guy in question (I'm going to call him "Harry") is a lovely person. He's bright and he's bubbly and he's caring and he's compassionate. He's also an enthusiastic Born Again Christian, and will take any chance he can to witness about what God has done in his life.

In theory, this should not make me uncomfortable. Part of my core belief system, after all, is that there are many, many ways to the Divine, many names for God/dess, and no one person or faith has a monopoly on Spirit. That doesn't mean I believe that all faiths are valid - for a start, I tend to take exception to the ones that say mine isn't, or that it's evil. But my self-image is of a tolerant, open-minded person who respects the rights of other people to relate to the Divine in the way that works best for them. So unless someone's actively sowing hatred, intolerance or ill-feeling with their words or actions in the name of their faith, I like to think of myself as a live-and-let-live kind of gal.

Now let me be clear: Harry's never said anything that I could take as intolerant - explicitly or otherwise. Unlike some of my other co-workers, who appear quite ready to negatively judge other groups of people because of their differences, when Harry talks about God, he talks in the context of love and inspiration and rapture - hardly things that I, as a Pagan, can take exception to! In fact, hearing the way he describes his relationship with God and/or Jesus, I'm sometimes hard-pressed to point out the differences from the way my more mystical Pagan friends describe their relationships with their deities.

And really, this shouldn't surprise me. Like I said a couple of paragraphs back - it's a core belief of Starfirebelievesitisism: many paths, many names, no 'one right way'. This is part of my spiritual identity. It's fundamental, as far as I can tell, to who I am and how I see myself. At least that's what I'd like to believe.

So why is it (I ask myself, as a semi self-aware being), that when I hear Harry talk, I feel myself wanting to make him wrong, for the way he frames his beliefs? Why should I find myself wanting to argue with him when he describes this or that interaction he's had with God? Why should I find myself wanting to explain away the synchronicities he talks about as coincidence, or remind him that other people of other faiths have spiritual experiences with their deity of choice that are every bit as intense as the ones he talks about? Why should it matter to me what name Harry gives to the Divine with which he interacts?

Maybe it's because I'm projecting, imaginging that he's judging me and thinking that my beliefs are 'wrong'? Maybe I'm just subconsciously getting in first - judging him wrong before he can judge me (and wow, is it just me or does that REALLY start to sound like a childish 'he started it!!!' kind of argument - except this one is closer to 'he was GOING to start it!') After all, I've done my time as a Born Again Christian myself in the past - I remember the incredible in-group/out-group mentality that went with it... that kind of 'anyone who doesn't see God the way we do is wittingly or unwittingly doing Satan's work' attitude. Maybe I'm just trying to 'protect myself'

But if I examine that further, I have to acknowledge to myself that I was a teenager at the time; that most of the friends who drew me into the Born Again path were teenagers as well; and that while there are certainly teenagers out there capable of genuine unbiassed tolerance and respect for the differences of others, I really wasn't one of them. So any assumption that Harry is secretly judging me just because the teenage me would have been judging someone like me is... flawed at best, and grossly unfair at worst. And hell, it's not like I haven't known some incredibly judgemental my-way-is-the-only-true-way Pagans in my time too!

Plus, what does it matter if Harry (or anyone else for that matter) does judge my beliefs as being wrong? Are my beliefs in multiple paths being valid really so fragile that if someone disagrees with me, I have to stop believing them?

Or is it maybe... just maybe... being the imperfect human being that I am, that somehow, while I may believe that in the validity of multiple paths... that I also want (deep, deep down where I can pretend things aren't really as they are if I don't look too hard) to be right - which means that if someone disagrees with me, I want them to be wrong. And oh yes, that rings truer than I want it to, when I hold it up to the light. I can feel myself squirming at the idea... which probably means there's something to it.

It's an uncomfortable realisation to have, when multiplicity and diversity is supposed to be a cornerstone of my belief system. Very uncomfortable. And part of me wants to ask Harry to stop witnessing to me, because I want to stop feeling uncomfortable. I want to stop wondering if by telling me about his interactions with the Divine, he's really saying mine can't be valid. And I want to stop wondering (deep down) whether accepting Harry's interactions with an aspect of the Divine he calls "Jesus" as valid actually invalidates my interactions with an aspect I call "Spirit". But really, where would the lesson be if I let myself do that?

What if, instead, I let myself be with the discomfort? What if, each time I felt it, I used it as a chance to look at myself and the way I react -the way I pre-judge - the way I want to be right? What if I reminded myself that it's OK to be uncomfortable, and that all the things I'm looking at above are just me doing my thing? That it is what it is and I am what I am? What if I used it as an opportunity to rediscover that I can live with being uncomfortable, and that the world doesn't end because of it? Really. (Do I sound convinced yet? No? How about if I confess that this blog post is about *getting* myself to the point where I can live with being uncomfortable - at least on this issue?)

Now that would be lesson...

I wonder if I'm brave enough to try learning it?

Monday, October 13, 2008

Mindful Spring Thoughts


Down here in Aotearoa (New Zealand), it's Spring.

Days are longer and warmer; there's a lot more birdsong in the air than there was even a few weeks back; and there's a definite sense of renewal in the world outside.

The last couple of Springs have been a little difficult for me - there was something that happened a couple of years back that it's been taking me a wee bit longer than I'd expected to heal from. Each time I think I'm all done with the process, something will pop up and I'll realise that there's still more there to work through. And for some reason, Springtime has seemed to really bring home how far I still have to go for me... perhaps because it's supposed to be a season of rebirth and renewal and starting over, and what I'm dealing with is something that can't just be left behind me.

Heh. And of course there, right there in that sentence, is my problem. "Supposed". Like "should", but just different enough to slip through my guard. It's not "supposed" to be anything. It's Spring. It is what it is... no "supposed" about it.

Interesting how many of my lessons right now seem to centre on that one concept - things being what they are, rather than what my mind tries to make them - regardless of how different each lesson may appear on the surface.

And, in fact, just because there's something that isn't being renewed for me doesn't mean that I can't acknowledge and appreciate all the other renewal that is going on around me.

Something for me to think about as I'm out and walking and breathing in the Spring-ness that surrounds me.

Spring blessings


Starfire